The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
