Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
