He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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