I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
