I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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