Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also, beer. Big fan.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
