i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
