My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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