cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
