Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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