okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
