4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
