I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
