I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
