did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
