found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
