Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
