if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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