you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
