i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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