So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
FUCK WHALES
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
