we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
