Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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