i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
