I like my sex mixed with concussions.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
