You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
