I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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