you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
