Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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