I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
