Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
