Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
