last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
