The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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