It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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