Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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