He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
