imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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