If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
