Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
