I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
