At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
