I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
