Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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