Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
