At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
