Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
