I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
