My liver just broke up with me...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
