Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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