i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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