Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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