HIV tests are more positive than that guy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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