God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
