When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
