Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
dude. I can hear the air.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
